Discussion:
Ask A Wiccan
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m***@lycos.com
2007-01-11 04:24:54 UTC
Permalink
Dear Wiccan,
Our youngest child just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome
has really begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time
for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has left our
household. Any tips?

-Lonesome In Lodi

Dear Lonesome,
Blessed be! When forming your Coven, be mindful that it is very
different from performing your Workings as a solitary witch. Rituals
involving a Gathering of pagans, led by a wise High Priest or
Priestess, are much more powerful through the Coven. Drawing down the
moon, consecrating a sacred bolline-knife and casting the scrying
magicks alongside your widdershins-walking fellow-souls is not only a
real and powerful celebration of Nature, it is also a solemn and
dignified Communion among our folk! The Lord and Lady smile upon the
hour of your Circle's meeting, and may the Goddess grant that your path
be true and your Craft blessed!

Dear Wiccan,
I'm a single man in his mid-30s who's never had much luck with women. I
become very uncomfortable and awkward around the ones I'm interested
in. I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever
seems to have any good advice. Can you help?

-Shy In Cheyenne

Dear Shy,
Merry meet! All other dweomers being equal, the phases of Mother Moon
are the most powerful magickal influence upon any incantation you may
devise. The Goddess has charged our heavenly protectoress with the
turning of tides and seasons-astral as well as earthly-and as She
waxes and wanes, so does the potency of our charms! In some of Her
phases, the amethyst crystal can sharpen your sixth sense, and it may
be twinned to your runestones, or even steeped in a healthful
nettle-and-foxglove tea to aid in your scrying-spells. But beware! In
other phases, the opposite is true, and using any crystal but the
blood-tourmaline will rend your power from you or twist your magicks
along the Dark Path! So that you may step carefully, consult with your
circle's Elders before attempting any of the rituals or incantations of
the Major Arcana. If your Elders are fasting, meditating or
Wind-walking, seek ye the 69 convergent Lunar phases in the grimoiries
of our hallowed Sage, Wolfling SilverRaven. At the very least, please
consult your Tarot!

Dear Wiccan,
My son is probably just a normal 15-year-old, but he seems to want
absolutely everything: CD players, video games, cellular phones-even
a car! I want to be good to him and treat him to nice things, but I
don't want to spoil him rotten. How much stuff is too much for today's
teen?

-Behind The Times In Trenton

Dear Trenton,
May Brigid bless your path! The Wiccan Rede entreats all of our
fellowship to do as we will, but remember: The most important law is to
Harm None! Injudicious use of passion spells, Fascination-charms or
love potions to bind an unwitting being to your soul, whether human
lover or feline familiar, is unworthy of even the Hornéd God! The
person thus ensorcelled is bereft of Freewill and becomes a mere golem
without motivation of his or her own. This is but a mockery of love,
and if non-Wiccans find that we have been practicing such strong and
forbidden Magicks, their wrath would be kindled and the Burning Times
upon us again! Wicca is not about power or control. Wicca is the sun on
one's face, the breeze in one's hair, the mysteries of the stars, sun,
moon and everything else that science cannot explain. Only by staying
true to Goddess, Rede and Craft may we harmonize with the ebb and flow
of Nature's cycles. Stray from this, and we shall be exiled to the Dark
Lands in a dark time! Blessed Parting, my brethren and sistren!

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly
column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She
is also the author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland
Glades Of Upper Illinois, and has ju
GreendistantNOSPAMstar
2007-01-11 05:01:08 UTC
Permalink
<***@lycos.com> wrote in message news:***@i56g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...
Dear Wiccan,
Our youngest child just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome
has really begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time
for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has left our
household. Any tips?

-Lonesome In Lodi

Dear Lonesome,

Buy some p-rn, a big vibrator and some lube - tell her it's Bedroom Vale Tudo and
watch her smile.

Dear Wiccan,
I'm a single man in his mid-30s who's never had much luck with women. I
become very uncomfortable and awkward around the ones I'm interested
in. I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever
seems to have any good advice. Can you help?

-Shy In Cheyenne

Dear Shy,

You are what we call in martial arts circles a 'loser'. Get your flabby ass off
that computer seat, do some Judo or Bjj and start pulling the chicks with lines
such as " You should see my guard passes" or " Do you like the turtle position?".

Dear Wiccan,
My son is probably just a normal 15-year-old, but he seems to want
absolutely everything: CD players, video games, cellular phones-even
a car! I want to be good to him and treat him to nice things, but I
don't want to spoil him rotten. How much stuff is too much for today's
teen?

-Behind The Times In Trenton

Dear Trenton,

Take away his CD player, video games, cell phone, car and stop feeding him. When
he comes crawling to you begging to be fed, slap him upside his face and tell him
to man up, get a life and start training, as you hand him his new pair of boxing
gloves.

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated bullshit columnist whose weekly
column, Ask A Fraud, appears in over one newspaper nationwide. She
is also the author of Bend Over Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Basements
Of Lower Boston and How I Scam Mindless Rubes. She can be contacted on
I'm-a-fucking-***@asswipe.com
Rabid Weasel
2007-01-11 13:14:52 UTC
Permalink
2 points!

Peace favor your sword (IH),
Kirk
Post by m***@lycos.com
Dear Wiccan,
Our youngest child just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome
has really begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time
for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has left our
household. Any tips?
-Lonesome In Lodi
Dear Lonesome,
Buy some p-rn, a big vibrator and some lube - tell her it's Bedroom Vale Tudo and
watch her smile.
Dear Wiccan,
I'm a single man in his mid-30s who's never had much luck with women. I
become very uncomfortable and awkward around the ones I'm interested
in. I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever
seems to have any good advice. Can you help?
-Shy In Cheyenne
Dear Shy,
You are what we call in martial arts circles a 'loser'. Get your flabby ass off
that computer seat, do some Judo or Bjj and start pulling the chicks with lines
such as " You should see my guard passes" or " Do you like the turtle position?".
Dear Wiccan,
My son is probably just a normal 15-year-old, but he seems to want
absolutely everything: CD players, video games, cellular phones-even
a car! I want to be good to him and treat him to nice things, but I
don't want to spoil him rotten. How much stuff is too much for today's
teen?
-Behind The Times In Trenton
Dear Trenton,
Take away his CD player, video games, cell phone, car and stop feeding him. When
he comes crawling to you begging to be fed, slap him upside his face and tell him
to man up, get a life and start training, as you hand him his new pair of boxing
gloves.
Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated bullshit columnist whose weekly
column, Ask A Fraud, appears in over one newspaper nationwide. She
is also the author of Bend Over Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Basements
Of Lower Boston and How I Scam Mindless Rubes. She can be contacted on
Sparticus
2007-01-13 06:49:07 UTC
Permalink
On Fri, 12 Jan 2007 10:16:02 -0600, Neil Gendzwill
Or maybe, just maybe, you might consider the outside possibility that not
everyone reading the OP has read that entry in The Onion.
How about considering the possibility that anyone with half a brain
could recognise it as satire, with or without knowing anything about the
Onion.
You would think, wouldn't you?
However, this article got passed around amongst Jesus nuts as evidence
http://web.archive.org/web/20000815214418/http://www.theonion.com/onion3625/harry_potter.html
See http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/potter.htm for details.
My thanks to Eric D. Berge, for adding a little intelligence this
disscussion.
I will openly admit that I was trolling when I cross-posted this Onion
article, you might ask why I chose to do this besides the obvious troll
reasons?
Well firstly I was reading some of the new age - Wiccan -
witchcraft type news groups, it seemed to me that this parody article
really didn't seem out of place from a lot of the stuff being
discussed on these forums.

I posted this thing to RMA because it seemed to me that this was a very
reactionary group that doesn't balks at pointing out the
ridiculousness this sort of thing.
Surpassingly the only reactions thus far have come from RMA
.
In the back of my mind I did know that there are individuals out there
on the lunatic fringes that would take this article seriously!
But I just can't believe that given the fact that the Wiccan gossip
columnist replies don't have any connection to the questions being
asked, that gormless types actually take it seriously, this seems
incredible.
Her name is "Morganna Goldenwand" for fuck sake!

And the fact that someone removed the links to alt:Satanism and
alt:Whichcraft seems to suggest that they take these sorts of practices
just a little to seriously.

Credos to those who spotted it as a parody and to those who took it
seriously I would strongly advise them to consult their Tarot.

A Troll.
Rich
2007-01-13 08:52:42 UTC
Permalink
Post by Sparticus
I will openly admit that I was trolling when I cross-posted this Onion
article, you might ask why I chose to do this besides the obvious troll
reasons?
No; the obvious troll reasons explain it perfectly well. You got your
attention, well done.
Post by Sparticus
I posted this thing to RMA because it seemed to me that this was a very
reactionary group that doesn't balks at pointing out the
ridiculousness this sort of thing.
Surpassingly the only reactions thus far have come from RMA
.
In the back of my mind I did know that there are individuals out there
on the lunatic fringes that would take this article seriously!
Come now, Kirk's a little old-fashioned, but hardly a lunatic fringe.
:P
Post by Sparticus
And the fact that someone removed the links to alt:Satanism and
alt:Whichcraft seems to suggest that they take these sorts of practices
just a little to seriously.
Everything's archived here; if you don't want to seem the sort of
person who posts to certain groups, fair enough.

Cheers
Rich
Rabid Weasel
2007-01-14 02:11:38 UTC
Permalink
Post by Rich
Post by Sparticus
In the back of my mind I did know that there are individuals out there
on the lunatic fringes that would take this article seriously!
Come now, Kirk's a little old-fashioned, but hardly a lunatic fringe.
:P
The two are synonymous in the modern lexicon. Didn't you get the memo?

;-)

In all seriousness, I completely ignored the OP but red GDS's reply on the
off chance that it'd be amusing. It was. Very.

Peace favor your sword (IH),
Kirk
Jani
2007-01-13 15:11:37 UTC
Permalink
"Sparticus" <***@lycos.com> wrote in message news:***@q2g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...

[]
Post by Sparticus
Well firstly I was reading some of the new age - Wiccan -
witchcraft type news groups, it seemed to me that this parody article
really didn't seem out of place from a lot of the stuff being
discussed on these forums.
Yes, you'll find people discussing herbalism, religious ritual, animism, etc
on pagan/Wiccan forums. And, indeed, a lot of silly people tweeting on about
brewing up crystals in nettle tea, and the like :)
Post by Sparticus
I posted this thing to RMA because it seemed to me that this was a very
reactionary group that doesn't balks at pointing out the
ridiculousness this sort of thing.
Surpassingly the only reactions thus far have come from RMA
[]
Post by Sparticus
And the fact that someone removed the links to alt:Satanism and
alt:Whichcraft seems to suggest that they take these sorts of practices
just a little to seriously.
There aren't many Wiccans posting to ARW or AW or APM. AS isn't much
interested in Wicca anyway.
Post by Sparticus
Credos to those who spotted it as a parody and to those who took it
seriously I would strongly advise them to consult their Tarot.
Credos? Heh. Did you mean kudos, or was that a rather subtle snark? :)

Jani
blu
2007-01-14 08:50:42 UTC
Permalink
Post by Sparticus
On Fri, 12 Jan 2007 10:16:02 -0600, Neil Gendzwill
Or maybe, just maybe, you might consider the outside possibility that not
everyone reading the OP has read that entry in The Onion.
How about considering the possibility that anyone with half a brain
could recognise it as satire, with or without knowing anything about the
Onion.
You would think, wouldn't you?
However, this article got passed around amongst Jesus nuts as evidence
http://web.archive.org/web/20000815214418/http://www.theonion.com/onion3625/harry_potter.html
See http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/potter.htm for details.
My thanks to Eric D. Berge, for adding a little intelligence this
disscussion.
I will openly admit that I was trolling <snip>
Geezus pleezus..
If this is the caliber of trolls now, it may be time to kill the UTB
altogether and go back to playing solitaire.
--
blu*goddess.of.groundhogs*juju
blu 3=3
master of irrelevance
Cancel my subscription to the resurrection.
-Jim Morrison http://blu05.port5.com/cantmakeit.htm
seon ferguson
2007-02-06 06:01:42 UTC
Permalink
"Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly
column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She
is also the author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland
Glades Of Upper Illinois, and has ju"

Oh my god you mean someone that insane actually exists?

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